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21 March 2011 @ 09:07 pm
All Perfectly Good Ways Of Making A God (Was She)  
Rating: PG13
Wordcount: 1,231
Story / World: Morgan's Game
Title: All Perfectly Good Ways Of Making A God (Was She)
Community:  runaway_tales
Prompts: Cotton Candy #11: reassurance. Peppermint #29: confetti. Strawberry Banana #15: unrequited feelings.
Toppings / Extras / Other: Malt: Summer Challenge 2010 [bunny #108 // this way no one gets hurt]. Butterscotch [about the First Morgan, seventeen generations - around 450 years - ago].
Characters: Morgan (I), the narrator, various.
Notes: Second part of this book. First one is whenever I'm able to write it again; ladies and gentlemen, we are effectively caught up in RATs, and that speaks badly of your C.

A long time ago, after things started properly, Morgan created the List.

This was not the same Morgan as ours. Ours is the Seventeenth and she was the First, there's a lot of difference there. Also she was a girl, that's another defining factor, and she died more than three hundred years before he was born.

(Things have been all but stagnant since then. We are the Game, that's all. It's safe except when people die -- but with a good person running it that's all right, and the Seventeenth is fairly good -- and everyone's happy, which is a big difference from the way things were when the First was young. But that comes later. This was when things were still changing.)

And this is not a beginning to the Game itself, which is important -- that was before -- or to the things the Seventeenth has done -- that was, again, more than three hundred (and twenty and some more) years later -- but it is important.

Contrary to what everyone seemed to think she did have a god, of sorts. She had science too, and mathematics, and the way numbers and words worked in her head, and the constant hope that someday she'd be able to get them to work together and produce something of absolutely unparalleled beauty and perfection and everything else she was pretty much obsessed with -- but that, to her, was also god. People saying she believed in nothing were entirely misguided. She had much more belief than most people.

When the world came to terms with the fact that it was now hers, and that there wasn't much people could do about that, they turned to her like children for all their tiny problems. And the less tiny ones, sure. (She drowned in questions. Things like: "Why are we born?" and "Why do we die?" and "Where's my wallet?" and "Where's my daughter?", that sort of thing. They thought that because she had everything in her mind she'd have the answers too. She didn't, but she did have a lot more questions than them, which was a step up at least.)

The question they asked, then, was religion, because they used to fight about it. There were debates, the tamest thing; and then there were arguments, and fistfights, and duels, and wars, and the newer wars, where instead of everyone having at least the ghost of a chance whoever thought they could prove their god better with it just blew the others to dust and sticky chunks. (There were also fistfights, though, those didn't really change, and the debates, and the arguments; duels went somewhat out of fashion.) The question they asked was "Whose god is real?"

Their capitalization was different, as was their phrasing -- it was more of an aggressive proprietary sort of thing, all "My god is real and theirs isn't, right?" instead -- but that's the question they asked.

Morgan, she looked at them sideways (her neck cracked, the sound almost entirely unlike a gunshot). She said, "I don't know. Why are you asking me silly things like that?" and went back to playing with atoms, which was what she was doing that week.

But the next week (well, within the next month, anyway; her accounts would say the next week, but her experience of time was somewhat special and extremely unreliable) she made a list that she showed the world, and she said: "This is what god is to me. I don't know what it is to you lot. You go figure it out and don't hurt anyone doing it. Unless you both want to, I guess. I mean, I don't know."

Her list was very strange, and these days everyone knows what was on it, or at least they know the summary that passed into popular consciousness. (The original was a lot more messy, mostly because Morgan thought in too many directions to be useful for anything but the Game, and this got in the way when she was doing anything but the Game.) This is because instead of making their own lists and dealing with it that way, which is what Morgan thought was sensible, or at least sticking to their respective gods or lack thereof and maybe killing each other less about it, which was what she actually wanted (not very fond of people killing each other when she didn't make them, was the First), they took her list and they said it was true.

No one, even then, really liked the idea that Morgan could be wrong.

What they really wanted was her as their god. They wanted her to be all-powerful, which she was, and benevolent, which she could fake sometimes, and to never make mistakes, and she didn't do that sort of thing. Also she didn't want worship. The way they used it, twisted it, the List gave them a way to have a god that was connected to her without making her angry.

It's never wise to make the Morgan angry, that's always been true, for all the time there's been a Morgan.

Since then it's twisted into a way to give the Magic their hope and their belief and their fear, and maybe it helps, if we're lucky. They've got even more motivation to use something else these days, though. If they wanted to worship the First -- and by now they do, because now she's dead and can't really object, and because seeing the world around us it seems like that which created it must be a god, that the one who changed everything couldn't have been human only -- they would have to go through the others, the ones who went insane and the ones who were unhappy and the ones who got things wrong, the ones who made disasters and wars because they didn't know what other stories to tell and the ones who, rather more simply, made decisions they didn't like, and the ones who were all human recently enough for them not to be able to forget it.

They say no one can quite come near the First. This is wrong. Maybe no one has had to try, but she was certainly not perfect. She was just very, very angry, and that was enough to be amazing.

It still is enough to be amazing, because they think you shouldn't object. They think they have to deal with it. They think if they look away quietly and make no noise things can be all right.

People today are as foolish as they've ever been, as the world falls apart. They stumble around and don't really try to get things right, they just try to hide. No one knows what's wrong and they wouldn't be able to do anything about it if they did, so they pretend nothing's there and that seems to work for them.

(Morgan, later, decided the List was a bad idea, although in her mind she still had her god of numbers and letters and getting things right. The List, she decided, was an example of having gotten things wrong, and she tore it up and threw it down from a balcony she created for that purpose; and it fluttered in the air in raw-edged pieces until it stopped existing, because she thought that was as good a way as any to end.)